Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
