mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
