When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
