The maid of honor just puked.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
