forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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