Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
