i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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