I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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