I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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