apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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