I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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