i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
