You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
