Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
