all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
