so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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