We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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