My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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