I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
