so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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