I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
