My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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