dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
