She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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