You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
