ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize