I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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