Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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