My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wear drunk well.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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