Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
