If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
