my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
