She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
