I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize