1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize