Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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