She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
