I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
