I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize