How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She's the barista slut.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize