Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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