now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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