i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
