I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
