On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She bit a glass in half.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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