well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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