R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
