So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
