i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
