We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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