They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
