I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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