so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
