i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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