Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
