who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
