she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
