btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
