Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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