i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
