Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
