Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
