R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
