the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
